If Only . . .

Today started just as every day usually did. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There were no signs, premonitions or anything to suggest today would be any different. Little did I know that today would be the day that would change our lives forever. If only I knew then maybe today would have been different. When I found out I was having a little boy I was ecstatic! Sure, I loved my girls, nothing was going to change that but I had always wanted a boy. I wouldn’t change having any of them. I loved them all. They were a little bit of me and a little bit of their dad, our little combo burritos as my husband and I called them.

When I first held him in my arms I couldn’t believe he was finally here. I considered myself lucky to have a healthy baby boy. He was a little darker with dark brown hair, brown eyes and had his ten little finger and ten little toes. He didn’t look anything like his sisters who were fair skinned with lighter hair, blue and hazel eyes. But to me he was perfect. Looking back now I think I kind of spoiled him a little more than his sisters. He was my baby after all.

As with all kids as he grew older he tried to find where he fit in. Being the only boy with three older sisters wasn’t easy. When he was younger he didn’t really have anyone to play with so he invented imaginary friends. He tried to play with his sisters and sometimes they had the time for him, sometimes.

He tried making friends at school. Sometimes he tried a little too hard. Other times they only wanted to be his friend because he would buy things at lunch for them. He had a big heart and always wanted to share with others. It was a hard lesson for him to learn that you can’t buy your friendships. For the most part the kids at school would rather make fun of him and bully him opposed to just being friendly. You see, he was a slightly larger little fellow which made him an easy target to be bullied and made fun of.

When his sisters found out that he was being bullied they made sure to stand up for him and anyone else that they witnessed being bullied. I had always told them to tell someone when something like that happens. I also told them I do not tolerate bullies and they shouldn’t be bullies to each other. This worked for the most part but kids will be kids and can be quite mean to each other.

As he became a teenager and coming into his own I thought for sure he would find his nitch. He loved music so having music/orchestra as one of his periods in school was a definite and it also gave him something in common with one of his sisters. When he found out one of his sisters was doing track he expressed how he wanted to run with her. Maybe it would help him lose weight and give him a boost in confidence. He really looked up to them although I don’t think they knew it. He always thought they were smarter and knew everything because they were older than him and in high school so they couldn’t be wrong.

He would try talking to them but he would annoy them more than anything. I loved listening to them talk, laugh or play together. He always wanted to show them things that he found interesting even if they thought it was dumb. He even tried to show me some things or have conversations with me and looking back now, even I appeared too busy for him at times.

One of the things he wanted to show all of us was one of his school projects. He had to make a declaration scroll with signatures for one of his classes much like the Declaration of Independence. He was rather excited about doing this assignment as he remembered when his sisters did the same project and was looking forward to having them help him. Most of it he did on his own and he showed it to us before he turned it in. I read it and cried as did his sisters. I never really understood what he went through at school although I had my fears for him. His was a declaration of not having suicidal thoughts and how he was going to rise above those that bullied him. He received the signatures he needed and then some including those of his sisters and other kids at school that had encouraging words for him. We talked about this assignment and how much it affected all of us. I thought we were going in the right direction.

Today was no different than any other day: alarms going off throughout the house letting us know that it was that dreaded time in the morning again. I groaned as I got out of bed thinking why does morning have to come so early. I made my way through the house knocking on bedroom doors making sure everyone was up and had plenty of time to eat breakfast. It was always a mad dash to see who would make it to the bathroom first to get ready. I would let them sort it out as I crawled back into bed to wait for them.

Some mornings the kids were in good moods and getting along. Other mornings it would be the complete opposite. Today was one of the opposite mornings. When it was finally time to go, one of his sisters told him he smelled. I had asked if he had put deodorant on and that he has to take showers. He would reply that he did and his sister didn’t have to be so mean about it. The retort usually was followed with his sisters saying it is better that we told him opposed to him going to school smelling and some kid making fun of him. I must admit I have been guilty of saying the same thing thinking I was helping him. It could have been said better and in a more teaching kind of way.

I dropped them all off at their respective schools with a have a good day and I love you. I always assumed that they heard me not taking into consideration that in the commotion of getting their things and getting out of the car that my words would go unheard. I would then rush home to get ready for work and then go about my day.

I never really knew what kind of day my kids had at school although I always asked how their day went and if they had homework. I was usually answered with grunts or very short answers and a yes or no on the homework question. Today was no different. I picked everyone up from school and took them home as I usually did. I left them with instructions and chores to do before I returned home from work and went on my way leaving them on their own.

When I pulled into the parking lot my cell phone rang, it was his school calling. I hit the ignore button and let it go to voicemail. I figured I would listen to it later. His school called a few more times and I did the same thing. How I wish now I had answered those calls. I finished my work day as I usually did. It wasn’t until I was on the way home that I remembered that his school had called. As I listened to the messages my heart fell into my stomach. I rushed to get home. I couldn’t get out of my car fast enough. I made it into the house and to his room. I didn’t bother knocking as I needed to talk to him, my not so little boy.

You hear of these things happening and you can’t image them happening to you. What happened next was a complete blur. I rushed to where he lay with a sickening feeling in my gut. I reached for him and cradled him to me. I screamed and cried while rocking my little boy in my arms. To me he was perfect but to the world he was a target. His sisters came running and stopped short not believing what they saw. They too began to cry. I don’t know how long I held him, crying and screaming. I could barely hear one of the girls on their phone to their dad while another was on a 911 call. I don’t remember hearing the sirens or when the first responder arrived. I fought with them when they tried to pull me away from him, away from my boy. How long had he been alone? How did I not know? I thought we had worked through this. I sat in shock as I saw his dad rush in through the door. There were tears falling but I didn’t feel them. They said there was a knife and a note that said that he was sorry and felt like he didn't matter and no one would miss him if he were dead.

The messages on my phone had been a warning that I heeded too late. They were from his counselor at school. He had had a rough day at school. Someone who he had thought was his friend was teasing him and making fun of him about his declaration. It had been the trigger. His counselor assured me that when she had spoken to him today that he seemed like he didn’t have a plan to commit suicide although he did say how. She had asked him if he went home today would he do it to which he replied no. He had told her the plans he had when he grew older of how he wanted to be in the military and how he wanted to see his sisters get married. A sign she assured me in the message that he wanted to live. She had questioned if I knew he had been cutting himself. I did not.

I blame myself. If only I had listened to the messages on my phone early. If only I had paid more attention to him. If only I hadn’t been so busy. If only I spent more time with him. If only I had talked more with him. If only I had done things differently.

If only . . . .

Penned on Thursday, 20 July 2017

If you or anyone you know feel suicidal or are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone. Talk to someone. You do matter and there is someone who loves you.
 
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  1-800-273-8255.